As most of you already know, my wife and I will be expecting our first child, a baby girl, this winter (baby is due January 4th, 2012).  The both of us are so excited and eager to meet this little lady and begin the next installment of our life.   After just selling our house, and moving back to Nyack, timing could not be perfect.  How exciting to start the new year with a new baby!  It definitely puts things into perspective.  Things like “new year resolutions” just don’t have the same weight and meaning to me anymore.  This is that point in life when the number one thing in your life is another human being!  Intense.

For my wife, her experience is quite different. Obvious I know, but what I mean is that her perception of these two events are much less discrete.  Instead, she has and continues to go through a metamorphosis.  Her body, constantly changing and adapting to the little creature inside her.  She feels the baby everyday with her kicks, twists, turns, acrobatics, break dancing, crazy yoga posturing, and whatever other crazy movements she decideds to make.  To her, life has already changed.   These two events are blurred together, and the transition is less blunt.

One thing I have noticed, being “the man”, is that there is a tension between two important junctures in my life.  One data-point being the present – with life basically the same and life moving along per the usual.  The other being the birth of my daughter and the genesis of a new little family.

So for me, it appears people need to make me mentally aware of this fact.   As we begin the third trimester I increasing get asked “You nervous?” or “You ready?”. It’s very odd to make something that is supposed to be so natural and instinctual a cerebral process.   Having a child is one of the few things left in our lives that is still attached to nature or forces us to remember that we are still animals, no matter how silly or crazy that sounds.  We have pretty much disconnected from what it means to be human and be a part of this earth.  Our daily lives are far removed from what our paleolithic ancestors went through.  Some of this has been for the better; some maybe not.

So yes I am sure there will be times when I get a bit freaked out, or think I really should have better prepared myself, but at the same time I look at it as a chance to acknowledge the amazing process that is taking place right now inside my wife’s body.   She is carrying a new life form!  She is part of creation.   She is a creator.   What other type of event will give me a peak into what it is like to really experience a pure form of life?   I do not want to over think this, nor should I have to.  I think we tend to over-analyze everything… I know I do.

I want to be a good great father.  I really believe that nature wants this too.  Our society and modern way of living, on the other hand, is what distorts this instinct and masks our environment making it appear at it being an uphill battle.   So, to be the dad I want to be I need to take a holistic approach.

The relationship I will have with my daughter will be a constant work in progress.  At times very rewarding and other times challenging, not to mention overwhelming.  I need to be humble, to draw from multiple sources of inspiration and knowledge.  I will need guidance, support, and love.  At the same time it will be up to me.  Oh yes, there will be mistakes, a good amount of them too, but our relationship will be my responsibility. I owe it to her to be in her life no matter what, and to accept her for who she is, not who I want her to be.  As long as I keep the lines of communication open with my daughter, and present to her a honest, sincere, and loving father figure with unconditional love I know we will be in a good place.

I am not trying to say this is going to be easy, far from that.  I just don’t find the need to take something as beautiful and natural as having a child, and morph it into some scary, anxious, worrisome, life altering event that I end up dreading because of a fear of failure.  There is no test to cram for, and there is no way to fully prepare myself.

It’s a girl… and I am gonna be a daddy!   I can not wait.